When I was 20, I saw a therapist for the first time. I was struggling to feel joy and happiness in my life. At this point, I had dropped out of college and was working as a hostess at a steakhouse, and living with my sister while I "figured things out." My self-esteem was at an all time low. The therapist kept referencing the negative cultures that developed in my family of origin.
A family of origin is the family that you grew up in. In my case this was both of my parents, a brother, and a sister. Some of the negative cultures that my therapist and I worked to identify were those of perfectionism, guilt, and avoidance. (I should note that I imagine many American families had undertones of these in their homes. Mine was not excessive, but as a sensitive person, I took many things to heart.)
My thoughts and feelings that I was not good enough because I didn't have my degree or because I didn't have a "real" job came from an unhealthy idea that there was a prescribed list of what I should accomplish and when that should happen. My life had nothing valuable enough to take up precious space in the annual Christmas letter was my way of thinking. This was because I grew up in a home culture that stressed the importance of "getting it right" and if you didn't have it together, you just kept that to yourself. I felt shame and embarrassment for my life.
After learning that these negative feelings were from years of messaging (some verbal and some never said, but very much implied), I was able to identify a new way to see my life. I was taking time to figure out who I was and where I wanted my life to go. It was okay that I didn't know what I wanted. There was time to figure it out. I was enough whether I was a doctor or a hostess.
Some of this home culture came from my Southern upbringing and it's focus on appearance and manners and customs. Some of it came from the good, but often misguided intentions of my mother. At age 17, she joined the LDS church when she was pregnant with my brother. Then she welcomed my sister and then myself into the family. She was only 19 when I was born. In 3 short years, her life had completely changed and with three little ones, she barely had time to adjust. She loved the gospel and was excited at the potential we all had and didn't want any of us to have to learn some of life's lessons the hard way. Because of this, we were raised very strictly. Advice often looked like criticism and it was hard to live up to perfect expectations.
While I have come to a healthy love of myself and my path, as imperfect as it may be, I see just how much our home culture can drive the choices we make. Some people I meet or eventually teach, will come from different home as well and ethnic cultures that will built the foundations of their thinking. They might make choices that I don't see as healthy or simply don't understand. When this happens, I can remember that there are a thousand little things guiding our choices. Some of these are healthy and some are harmful. Some we are aware of and others slide by unconsciously. Having this knowledge allows me to extend grace to those I interact with. Most importantly, this allows me to extend grace to myself.
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